I'm not sure if anybody has noticed, but somewhere, perhaps in a metaphysical world, there exists a name graveyard. Let us brandish our swords of elitism - somewhere in the metaphysical, there exists a graveyard for names that Americans have just stopped using - expired names.
And as much as I love Asians for the whole notion of taking what's un-sexy and turning it into gold (e.g, manufacturing, outsourcing of jobs Americans can't fathom having, the "geek" look, neoprints, etc.), we cannot deny that we (Asian people, that is) have a penchant for going into the aforementioned graveyard to dig up names for our children.
COME ON! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO PAY MONEY TO GIVE YOUR KID A GOOD NAME!
So, I will be the proverbial guinea pig. Albert is defined as "bright and noble," at least in the big book of baby names or something. Very vague, very easy to slap on to anything. Come to think of it, I could blame my name if I find myself shelving books at Barnes and Noble someday. But who calls their kids Albert nowadays? It's as if every single Albert I meet nowadays are only in 3 forms: grandfathers, historical figures, and... fellow Asians.
I have yet to meet a fellow Albert who rocks my socks off. Yet to meet an Albert who makes the girls weak in the knees, yet to meet an Albert who is excited to be an Albert. Don't get me wrong, I owe my name a great deal - imagine if I changed my name, all these certificates and contracts would be useless! I'm just saying sometimes it's fun to whip on the "Gerard" costume from time to time.
Ah, but it's spelled with one "r". Another one from the grave.
Also located in the name graveyard: Victor (even higher than Albert on the list), Henry, Frank, Edwin, and... maybe Vicky? which brings me to another point:
The concept seems to work only on males. Girls' names are not as maligned as the guys'. Fine, so Vicky might have fallen into one of these lists, but I heard rumblings of a comeback for Vicky. It's like call center jobs -- Americans won't think of doing them, until they see 25-year old Albert next door earning an honest paycheck picking up phones for Pfizer. Now, unemployment's rampant, so they want in on call center jobs as well.
Another point with gender disparity: Jordan is such a horrible guys' name now. For every kid named Jordan nowadays, there is a frustrated Asian father who never grew past 5'10 and never got to touch the rim of the basket. Thus, they transfer their hopes and dreams to their male offspring who, of course, can only beat Jordan in a rice-eating competition. HOWEVER, Jordan is making the rounds as a trendy female name now, and it's faring pretty well.
So this is my public service announcement to all of you, my friends. In the next 5 to 10 years, you WILL be part of the ritualistic process of naming a child. 50% of you, roughly, will be naming a baby boy. Here are some advice:
1.) IF you're thinking of using the -son suffix, attach it to your name, wear a tag with that name on yourself, HELVETICA SIZE 58, and walk around the plaza with an undeserved sense of pride. Trust me, you will go home and rethink your decision, and maybe thank me someday. As much as Albert is not really the sexiest name, It would be 50 times more painful to be called Albertson.
2.) No sports names, please. If Kobe becomes the new Jordan, then I don't want to be a part of it. Trust me, somewhere in this world there exists an Asian kid named Tiger, or Roger, or even Lebron just because of a sports-crazed beer-bellied father who thought the world would need another Lebron.
3.) Use evergreen names. Yes, there also exists a list of names that are perpetually safe for consumption. For some reason, names from the Bible are timeless. So calling your kid Daniel or Joshua won't win a sexy award, but they won't have tomatoes thrown at them either. Of course, we are all adults, and we should know where to draw the line. A kid would be stressed to explain "Jehoshaphat" or "Nebuchadnezzar" at their next show and tell.
Let this be my legacy to the world. I want to hear your thoughts.
No comments:
Post a Comment